we are our own worst enemy.

Today I met Peggy. 2 years ago she was kinda thin and her hair is longer. Tak perasan that she’s been missing for 1 years and plus. Now, she’s chubbier and her hair pun dah kerinting halus-halus. I almost don’t recognize her. I even ask wether rambut tu rambut CNY ke? She just laugh and then said, “ Ni rambut baru saya laa, sebelum ni sayer punya rambut takder, I have cancer and have to go for chemo and.....” she chats away. Honestly, I’ve read/heard about breast cancer survivor stories from friends and even read it in books and stuff but I never talk directly to one. Peggy seems like she really loves to talk about it. It’s very inspirational, seriously and this kind of thing rarely happen to me. I keep on thinking if I’m in her place, how will I turn out to be.

She told me about the time before the chemo session started, the doctor told her to take 8 pills of steroids every morning and every night, and everytime she took it, she will end up vomiting all the pills, feel very sick and have insomnia. She felt very sick she said her life was so miserable that time. She said she can’t stop thinking about dying and stuff. She was so tired of it so one day she had asked herself, “I haven’t start any Chemo session yet, but why am I like this? Kenapa macam sangat teruk sampai muntah, migrain,tak lalu makan, and demam, macam effect lepas kena chemo?” She realised that she has to do some serious soul searching. She asked herself is it because of the pills or her psychology and her negative thinking that make her suffered that way? She told me during that time she kinda had to brainwashed her mind and had to be strong for herself and block all the negativity from effecting her if she want to get through this easily. She said, “ Kalau saya baru mahu makan steroid pun dah macam ni, nanti bila chemo saya boleh mati woo, tension” and laugh ( i dunno if I should laugh that time too...errk). So with her new way of thinking, she swallow the pills, and yes..nothing happen after that. “ I feel ok! Takde muntah muntah. There’s nothing wrong with the pills. The problem is here” Pointing to her head. Of course there were down time where she needs people to talk and stay strong, but she said "I will never let any negativity or outside voice come into my head, I have to learn to block it, which I know it's not easy, but at least I TRY."

She told me she is one of the happiest person yang selalu datang for chemo treatment and she told me “ Orang ingat saya gila datang jumpa doktor suka suka happy happy” And then she said if I’m not strong, if I don’t brainwashed myself, I won’t be where I am now, datang jual barang lab dekat you. Errkk...boleh la kan? Haha. . Damn I am amazed. She is strong. If I were her, I’ll be moping around like a sick dog. I have normal problems but I always moping around like..that T__T. But she looks so healthy and happy. She doesn’t look like a sick people at all. And she talks about the sickness like it’s the most normal thing in the world. I hope she will stay happy ,healthy and positive that way. I still feel very inspirational. Another quotes she said to me " I love my past, I never regret my past. I've learned a lot from it"

xoxo

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.